Onion Teen-Scene Presents:

HOW TO MASTUREBATE

So, you've just turned 13. Awesome! You're finally a teenager, and that can only mean one thing... It's time to start masturbating! What's that? You say you don't know how? Not to worry--here's a guide to help you get started. Just follow this radical six-step chart, and you'll be masturbating in no time. Good luck!

1) Drop pants.

2) Grip your penis moderately tightly.

3) Think about a pretty girl. It can be someone you know or someone you've seen on TV. Now, imagine her naked. Wow!

4) Steadily move your hand up and down the penile shaft. Before long, your penis will be hard. This is what's known as an "erection."

5) Continue moving your hand up and down the penis with increasing speed and force until a sticky, whitish liquid bursts out of the tip. Congratulations... You've masturbated!

6) Repeat every 10-15 minutes until age 30.